Family & Relationship

This Is The Simple Way To An Awesome Marriage

• Calm down: Monitor your stress level and ask for a break if you need one. And don’t negatively ruminate or you’re gonna go all flux capacitor on your spouse.
• Speak nondefensively: Marital Sun Tzu: “All battles about household chores are won or lost before they are ever fought.” Go in with an attitude of praise and admiration. If the argument starts with you already convinced they’re demon spawn, don’t be surprised when it doesn’t end well.
• Validate: Nobody likes to be treated like a crazy person. (Even crazy people don’t like being treated like crazy people.) Until they feel you understand them and take their concerns seriously, nothing good will happen.
• Overlearn: Communication skills are not Harry Potter books. They’re not something you simply casually read about; they are something you need to practice.
• Boost the positive: Five good things for every one negative meant a stable marriage. Yes, it’s really that simple.

How To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids

• Be aware of emotions: Canaries. Coal mines. Sometimes you can ignore the words but if you ignore the underlying feelings you’re going to be cleaning spaghetti off the walls.
• Emotion is an opportunity for intimacy and teaching: The best lessons about dealing with emotions are learned when things get emotional. Yes, this is inconvenient.
• Listen empathetically and validate feelings: Accept all feelings but not all behavior. Don’t interrogate, validate.
• Help them label their emotions: You’ve got the words; they don’t. It works for hostage negotiators so use it to make sure your kids don’t end up talking to hostage negotiators.
• Set limits and help them problem-solve: “We don’t stab Timmy. Now how might we be able to exact revenge in a way that doesn’t leave evidence?”

3 Simple Rituals That Will Make You A Fantastic Parent

1. Empathy: “I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”
2. Define the problem: “The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)
3. Invitation: “I wonder if there’s a way we can…” + (address kid’s concern) + “but that still makes sure to” + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”

How To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids

• Be aware of emotions: Canaries. Coal mines. Sometimes you can ignore the words but if you ignore the underlying feelings you’re going to be cleaning spaghetti off the walls.
• Emotion is an opportunity for intimacy and teaching: The best lessons about dealing with emotions are learned when things get emotional. Yes, this is inconvenient.
• Listen empathetically and validate feelings: Accept all feelings but not all behavior. Don’t interrogate, validate.
• Help them label their emotions: You’ve got the words; they don’t. It works for hostage negotiators so use it to make sure your kids don’t end up talking to hostage negotiators.
• Set limits and help them problem-solve: “We don’t stab Timmy. Now how might we be able to exact revenge in a way that doesn’t leave evidence?”

9 Rituals That Will Make You An Amazing Parent

• Connect: Communicate comfort, validate feelings, listen and reflect.
• Reduce Words: Seriously, when have lectures ever worked?
• Embrace Emotions: All feelings are permitted; all behaviors are not.
• Describe, Don’t Preach: “All daddy’s shoes are in the refrigerator.”
• Involve Your Child In The Discipline: “What’s a way to express your anger that doesn’t involve anyone getting 27 stitches?”
• Reframe A “No” Into A Conditional “Yes”: “Yes, you can watch ‘Toy Story’ for the 400th time — after mommy finishes this wonderful blog post she’s reading.”
• Emphasize The Positive: Instead of “No whining,” try, “I like it when you talk in your normal voice. Can you say that again?”
• Creatively Approach The Situation: “I’ll bet I can eat my vegetables faster than you can.”
• Teach Mindsight Tools: Teach them to notice their emotions. You can’t improve how you deal with something if you’re not aware of it.

How To Have A Happy Marriage

• Bad things are exceptions, good things are traits: When they don’t do the dishes it’s because they were busy. When they do do the dishes it’s because they’re a good person who loves you.
• “Meant to be” equals “not meant to be”: A growth mindset prevents your soulmate from becoming not-your-soulmate.
• Give thanks: Regularly think about all the nice things they’ve done to contribute to the relationship. (And maybe even thank them.)
• Capitalization: Be enthusiastic and make their little good things into big good things.
• Communication is key: Self-disclosure is powerful — especially on a double date.
• See other people: Supportive friends don’t take you away from your relationship; they improve it.
• Try a new restaurant after you go skydiving: Novel and exciting experiences together makes for happier marriages and increased sexy-time.

High Output Management

Family one-on-ones can be an outstanding practice, especially with children.

How To Make Your Relationship Amazing

Very happy couples don’t just "interact well". [...] They created a culture together. Their own little world. Shared rituals, roles, goals, symbols… In short, a shared meaning system. It started with understanding and honoring one another’s dreams and extended to a meshing of their life dreams.

• Positive emotion beats problem-solving: Good feelings come first otherwise you’re solving problems with… someone you don’t like very much.
• Avoid The Four Horsemen: Less criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And no contempt.
• Perpetual problems don’t get solved: You can walk fine on a trick knee if you understand its quirks and don’t let it frustrate you.
• Soft startup to conflict discussions: Ladies, complain but don’t criticize. Conversations that begin negative almost always end negative.
• Time-outs beat stonewalling: Guys, don’t tune out if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Ask for a 20 minute break.
• Don’t resist — repair: Laughing, being nice or acknowledging what was said doesn’t mean you immediately lose the argument. And it might stop you from losing your partner.

How To Make Your Marriage Awesome

• Define “good marriage”: If you don’t know what your goal is, how can you achieve it?
• Be hyper-honest with your spouse: Say it in a conversation or a deposition. Your choice.
• Be hyper-honest with yourself: Know your weaknesses and you can prevent them. If you don’t, bad “luck” will follow you forever.
• Argue well: As James likes to say, “Make the holes you dig shallow, because the deep ones are hard to climb out of.”
• Get a life: Rotate custody so you never really have to rotate custody.
• “Love” is a verb: Gratitude defibrillator

How To Make Your Kids Amazing

• Behavior is communication. Discipline is teaching: Kids say, “Dearest parent, I am in serious need of coaching in regard to my social skills” by screaming at their brother. You need to teach them something better to do instead, not scream at them about screaming at people.
• Balance: Connect and redirect to return them to the green zone.
• Resilience: No bubble-wrapping. Sometimes use pushing and other times cushion to expand their green zone.
• Insight: Name it to tame it. Label emotions and help them be both “player” and “spectator.”
• Empathy: Draw children’s attention to other people’s feelings.